I've decided to make my slow return to the world of blogging, after an almost complete absence from cyberspace for nearly two weeks. My double life caught up with me during the last month, I had to take a break.
During the break- with was accompanied by extreme exhaustion and pain- I have been thinking - as one does when not busy. Thinking friends- friends I can see in the flesh- friends I mainly talk to one the phone, as they live in other countries- and friends I made on Facebook and here through my blog.
Why is it that when one makes friends on Facebook, one feels almost compelled to let them now why I will be 'going into a cave for a while'. Many of my 'flesh' & 'phone' friends don't know I have been unwell and that I have been in 'hiding'. I don't communicate with them every day.
Yet the fact that I DID communicate with my Facebook friends, with YOU, brought me lots of support during my time of recovery. I would like to thank you all for this. Your messages appeared in my email-box and, especially during the first few days, brought me to tears. Tears about worsening symptoms, but mainly tears of gratitude for such amazing supports in a few words and images. Again, thank you!
But, there is a but. When I did click on one of the messages in my email-box, my body/mind seems to be going into 'fear' mode. While the box came up asking for my password, I felt my body stiffening- I experienced a fear of being faced by so much information all together on the one page. I couldn't deal with, and still have difficulties with- an overload of information. Energy is a precious commodity.
But the longer I stayed away - the more there was to catch up with- so many friends. (But is this real? I communicate with my 'flesh' & 'phone' friends every so often and we'd fill in on each other's news. Facebook is such a different form of contact - isn't it?) My fear that I would feel worse again after being on Facebook was real, I wanting to save my energy for recovery and writing.
What I decided on, was to say a quick thank you and leave.
Does this 'fear' make sense? I found a word for it- Editiovultus phobia (derived from the Latin words meaning "face" and "book" see uncyclopedia Editiovultus phobia)
I felt the responsible to keep up with others. Yet I miss being in contact with the friends I made. You know who I mean. Those Facebook friends whom I count as my real friends now. Friends that I might never see in the flesh- unfortunatally- but who are very important to me. I think about you, wonder how you are doing, and feel that I am not a good friend if I don't respond to your messages. I know you understand- many of you probably feel the same as many of you are also living with M.E.
That brings me to my other facebook-related-fear, my Editiovultus phobia. Talking about M.E.
Being friends with people who deal with the same illness as me, can be such a relief, as you understand what I am going through- as I understand you. Yet- now I am faced with worsening of symptoms again- all I want is to get away from reading about M.E. and get on with my life. M.E. is in my life- but I like to think that M.E is not my life. - If you know what I mean... This does not mean I want to stop having contact with you! Love you too much for who you are!
As far as I can make out, some of you on Facebook have come to the same conclusion and have started another page where the illness can be discussed. Good on you! For now, I am not ready to face that page until I have regained my 'balance' again.
So, where will I go from here?
Today I think that I will continue with writing a blog when I feel like it.
Maybe you- my facebook and twitter followers who visit this blog on a regular basis, might sign up to the "Follow button", and in this way, you can read my musings, and we can stay in touch.
I find the Blog less overwhelming than Facebook right now. It is one page and the comments left by you are easier to answer. I love reading your comments here!
In terms of Facebook- I might pop by every few days for a quick look, but for now I will keep my time there limited. Maybe in weekends, when I don't seem to do much writing- is a good time to catch up with you there. You are all in my heart! And don't want to loose contact!
Thank you all for your support and understanding, and I hope that you are as well as can be. Wishing you all a lovely Sunday!