I am sitting here at the computer, and have the feeling that my body has been taken over by Aliens. Did they arrive with the Christmas presents? Where they, or it, wrapped in the pain that knocked me out about 10 days ago?
According "Dictionary.com" an alien is:
a resident born in, or belonging to another country,
who has not acquired citizenship by naturalization
A citizen from the world of pain? The world of M.E.?
I am in a daze, sleep between 12 and 14 hours at night, and then still require a rest in the afternoon. My legs are worryingly weak. The Alien in my head makes conversations difficult. I can not find the words to describe a thing or an action. Writing seems a little easier although the job is laboursome. (& spellcheck essential!)
So why write?
Because in this Zombie/Alien state, my creative brain is making a comeback. It wants attention, and comes up with ideas for the year ahead.
Over the past few days a handmade artist book has been formulation in my mind, and I have played around with its possibilities. Exciting! Watch this space.
Yet again, I see creativity as a way forward. The first benefit is selfishly mine. I can experience my world through words and images. Words I am not always able to speak, but do flow out of my fountain pen, or through my fingers on the keyboard. My camera has me observing the birds and trace the life of plants, flowers, and insects. Creativity is the one gift from the world of 'Aliens' which I truly respect and have immense gratitude for.
It is also a way in which I can communicate my thoughts, fears, loves, and desires with others, and if these creative explorations have a positive effect on others, I am honoured.
Through the Alien's visit I also became aware again that I am not able to take part in the world like a citizen of the world we know. I enjoyed a few 'normal' outings over the past few months and am still paying for the 'privilege'.
This realization is painful. The fear of having to live my life forever in this way makes me sad. It can be so lonesome at times. Yet! Most of the time I value my space, the silence in my house, the time I can devote to my creativity. As long as I can construct a healthy balance between the much needed social contacts and the life I can live. The life I can live well. The restrictions are many, but managed well, I do experience my life as a good life.
Creativity being the main key to my well being, these are my wishes for the year ahead:
I hope to finish writing my novella: "The Shadows of an Invisible Octopus", work with my artist friend Spark on the Family Tree project, and unearth more about my ancestors, especially my Great Grand Mother Maria. I believe that in this lies a key to my writing.
I aspire to republish Hatched and create limited editions handmade artist books, and to get my hands dirty with clay again.
A lot? Maybe, but I have 365 days and more to do it. No rush!
All this does means though that I doubt I will devote as much time and energy on networking on Facebook. I'll pop by now and then to see how my Facebook Friends are all doing. (*)
The Alien's visit had me re-evaluate how I spend my time and energy. Computer time- I have to use more selfishly- creatively; jobs in the house (for which I am going to apply for more support again) and use my energy the way I know is best as long as the Aliens are in the vicinity to make it's present known.
Maybe this is all a way of sticking my head in the sand, live a life in a dream state, not in the real world, but then again, maybe deep down I know to which "country" I belong and can aspire to live there within my best abilities.
If you like to keep track of my creative explorations, please sign up by clicking on the button "follow". And if you have a blog or website of your own, please let me know!
Best wishes to all my readers for the year ahead.
Health and Contentment and hopefully a lot of creativity!
(*) You might like this post :Editiovultus Phobia
Well written as ever. I am so sorry to hear that you are going thro another rough patch.
Once again I am in tune with how you are feeling, and can relate to it. I thought I had planned a Xmas break that I could achieve without too much difficulty, and it has kind of shocked me to realise that I am not as strong as I thought I had become. I will have achieved maybe 50% of what I intended - the rest has been cancelled. It is so hard to deal with this illness all the time isn't it? I like you am spending my days currently wondering if this is how it will always be. Deep down, I can't believe that, and I don't want too......but looking at the evidence?Who knows. I cannot let the deep beliefs in recovery and improvement I've had for so long go, and I won't, but then it causes distress when it doesn't happen. So hard. I guess it's like you say, and as my counsellor is working with me currently, about living in the moment and making the most of what we still haveand what we have gained back. For you, your creativity is an inspiration to you and to others, for me I value the independence I am regaining and the ability to do creative stuff a little more. Like you, I can be on my own, but I love the company of others too. Its so hard to get the balance, and to be content! We will do it tho........one day we will dis-arm the Alien!!
Take care my friend. Your creativity will help you, as will rest and time. Please keep believing......xxx
lovely . heartfelt post corina . like Sue i too relate oh so well . i feel safest in my ME world- i don't translate too well to that other world . but then i've been an outsider for a long time and my values and longings have changed. we will miss you here but i am excited that you have happy . healing plans .Be sure we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers . and we will chat when you can - schedule us in now and then perhaps -- take care--
Thank you both Sue and Di, for your comments of support and recognition. It is good to know other citizens of this alien world, but with that thought I hope we can all meet as citizens of the 'normal world' some day.
I feel actually quite calm to have taken residency in the world that I got to know for the past 12 years. This is not to say that I want to stay here for ever, it is more a case of taking control again and making the most of what this world of ME has to offer me.
Sue, please do keep looking for that independence, actually you too Di, I hope we can all make progress to find the right route out of our alien world.
I will not stop believing, which reminds me of a line I heard in a movie ... "I believe in miracles- it is part of my job"
Di, Don't worry, you ARE always be in my thoughts, and I will keep writing this blog and will stay in touch via email.
I guess at the moment I feel I am living a bit in both worlds, and it is hard. I want to leave alien world, but am not entirely strong enough, so I dip my toe in and then want to immerse myself more, but can't. At the samre time, I agree with Di, it can be scary to leave the safe world of ME that we have sadly come to know, however much we wish we didn't live in it. This illness can make you feel very confused.
corina - is that one of your photos on this post? just beautiful (so i'm guessing it is). thankyou SO much for the card that came today! haven't been keeping up with blogs, and other things, well for a while so hadn't seen the mention of it before either...
Sue, indeed, this illness can make our lives rather confusing. One day I hope that we can all live in the real world, and maybe we can see our life in this alien land as a preparation for this. I do strongly belief that this illness can gives us lots. I certainly have gained a lot - time to expres my creative voice, but... I wish it didn't have to come with so much pain and exhaustion.
I hope to goodness that this year will bring us understanding and healing.
Kirsten, thank you for the l ovely comment of my photo, it's mine. It's a gold finch feasting on the seeds of a tistle or teasle. It is one of the illustrations of my new little book "Flying on little wings. More about that later!
Please all of you mind yourself, and thank you so much for stopping by at my blog!
looking forward to hearing more about this book! and, by the way, the blog design is stunning. XXOO
Thanks Kirsten! see this blog http://corinaduyn.blogspot.com/2011/01/flying-on-little-wings-handmade-book.html and as soon as the book is really finished I'll post some images from it.
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