I am stepping out of my cocoon, and with lots of support I can dance with life.

For the past four years the theme of my work seems to be

'Dancing' & 'Movement'

The Dance of Life - animation (still) by Corina Duyn

To me, the various projects, like 'The Dance of Life' animation, the 'Reflection' Puppets, were about dancing again.
I literally meant Dancing! As in, moving one's limbs, freely. Standing on both legs, or even one leg, while graciously moving the other. Moving my arms, at will.

I truly and utterly believed that.
No one could have convinced me that the story of my work would have a very different meaning.

BOXES

In September 2014 I was at Annagmakerrig, the Artist retreat-workplace.
An observations made by one of the other artists was that a lot of my artwork had figures in enclosed spaces. Eggs, Cocoons, Boxes...

I can only now see what has happened since then.

This residency was the start of Into the Light. At the start it was to be a book of essays on life with illness/disability. My health did not allow me to complete the work as intended. After many trials and almost giving up, I created a series of loose sheets, and gathered them in a box.

At the same time of deciding on the book-in-a-box, I created the small sculpture 'Stepping out of the Box' (I honestly did not see the connection for months, maybe even a year).

This small box, became the template for the Life Outside the Box  Puppet Project I facilitated with my then fellow members of the Irish Wheelchair Association, during 2015/6.

STEPPING OUT

I can now see that these boxes were there to step out of.
To take my place in society again. To be heard. To be seen.
I have been put into boxes for far too long.
And I probably also created a space (a box, a cocoon) in which I felt safe and could function. Function within the limits of what M.E. has dictated in my life for almost two decades now.

The Life Outside the Box puppet project led to the invitation to talk about my work at symposiums, universities and festivals. It lead to being confident to teach again, which I now do in my studio and via distant learning.

The Reflection Puppets also came about from that residency at Annaghmakerrig.
Four years in the making, but they are done! Just the short film to be created: One of the puppets, faces her reflection in the mirror. She is standing with her walking sticks, but wants to see the dancer in her.

Two years ago I started the Dance of Life animation figures. The idea again being based on dancing. On freedom, on being able to move...

But.
My health is far from allowing me to move freely.
My ability to move is more and more curtailed.

But.
I perhaps I am dancing with life in a different way.
With a spirit which is soaring.
My spirit is dancing.

I am dancing but not as I had hoped.
Not as I had envisaged.
But I am dancing, in my own way.
And take my dance with society, at puppet festivals, symposium, and universities. 
Dance through my work.
Dance with my work.

During my recent retreat at Dzogchen Beara I had intended to create an animation film I had in mind for a year. But I was too ill. I barely left my room. I did manage to film a few very short clips and took some photos - at the nick of time (half hour before going home). At least I could go home some bit satisfied. See below for an impression on what I would have liked to create.

"I" am stepping out of my cocoon, and with lots of support I can dance with life.

And to top it all, my journey through illness, puppetry and 'dance' is to be filmed tomorrow by our national broadcaster. More about this later. 

The Dance of Life - by Corina Duyn (preview) from Corina Duyn on YouTube.

Further reading and links:

• The Dance of Life animation
• The Dance of Illness Resulting in the Birth Dance sculpture
• Reflection Puppets
• Into the Light book in a box
• Life Outside the Box Puppet Project
• M.E. and being invited to talk about puppets

The root of sorrow is craving, but there is always hope to see the bigger picture

The root of sorrow is craving.

Antony de Mello - Awareness 

potbound Aloe Vera

Three weeks of recovery from the 'hospital-Holland-marathon', and I seem to be finally completing the road to re-connect with the person that I thought was me.  Both the hospital and travel had a rather big impact on my mind. On my beliefs. On my physical, but also mental well being.
I became aware of a sense of loss. I realize that the sorrow, the sense of loss, were based on what I perceive I do not have.

"Ghosts of lives you might have lived ... If not becoming ill ..."

Hilary Mantell. Learning to talk.

I wanted to be like my siblings, who are walking, cycling, working, able to stay up late and rely on their working brain, be sociable, and not having to go to bed at the same time as the 4-years-olds... I became much more aware of my life with illness.  Of course they have their challenges too. Everybody has. I just needed a little time to make sense of it all again. To put 'everything' back into perspective. I needed to hope again. And to see the bigger picture.

"Waiting with a resilience of spirit, in the certain knowledge that, 

if we wait long enough and if we are true to ourselves 

then things will make sense, is waiting in hope."

Sister Stanislaus Kennedy. Gardening the Soul 

The happiest place I could be these past few weeks was in my garden. Touching the earth. Grounding myself. Clearing, re-arranging my garden and my thoughts.

"If we lose touch with our sources, we are in danger of losing hope. 

That is why it is so important to stay close to nature, to listen to the trees and flowers, 

potatoes and hedges, shrubs and bulbs grow in silence.”

Sister Stanislaus Kennedy. Gardening the Soul 

Although yesterday was mainly spend recovering from outstaying the welcome in my garden the day before (weeds are more difficult to remove from gravel than it is from soil... trust me... ) I also had the great fortune to have a lovely meeting with an other creative being.

A creative meeting about possibilities for my work. Where to go from here.
To see the bigger picture of years of creating, and learning. A meeting in which minds were aligned, and experienced support, from a clear, open and honest mind. A chat which gave me hope and direction, and in which I saw my work through someone else's eyes and experiences. It also brought a possible new meaning of the project I have been working on for over a year. I am so glad I did not cancel that meeting because of the challnges of my body that day!

Life-Dance - work in progress

I might not be able to walk much, or cycle, or stay up late, or garden to my heart's content, but I have hope. Hope with a capital H. Which is ultimately linked with Trust.
Trust that all is well. And that I can see the biger picture of my life as it is.

I am grateful to have spend so much time in my garden these past few weeks. To reconnect with nature, with Mother Earth.
And to have taken the time at making sense of own little world again.
To observe what I value most. And... where I don't want to be. And where I can possibly go from here. To have reconnected - even it is just through talking about- and not quite doing- with my creative life.

Grateful to have taken time to reconnect with me again, not just with the capital letters M.E.


I truly hope that you, my dear readers, are well. 
And are finding hope, with a capital H, in your lives.
Thank you so much for your continued interest in my musing.
Be well.

reuniting with my studio friends

Yesterday I made the tentavite steps back into my studio, to re- acquaint with the two little figures who are eager to make it out into the world.

These two are to feature in a Very Short animated video... whenever I get them finished, and filmed, and figure out How to actually make the video.

A project one year in the making already, and at this rate, might take another year.

All in it's own good time.

For now I am glad I made it back to my wonderful little cave, even for a few minutes.
I put some hair on the one with the hat, and added sleeves under her sweater.

Unfortuantelly, I am having some problems with her hands, so have to remake them again. (fourth time?) Eyes to be painted next, on a day when my hands are good and steady!

The sweater and hat were made by my granny for my Sindy doll, when I was about 10 years old. So, 45 years ago.

Dance of Life project

Dance of Life project

Dance of Life project

Dance of Life project

Dance of Life project

The dance of life

"Prachtig" 

Gert Roos

Creative projects never progress very fast with me. But there are visible creative growth spurts.
I am experiencing one right now. Thank you Gert.

For years, and years I wanted to do an animation project.
Maybe this stems back from the Ballycardool project I was involved in (making the figures) in the two years leading up to me becoming ill.
Or maybe because I love puppets. I love when 'dolls' come to life.
Maybe it is the Life Outside the Box project that sparked finally starting my dream project.

I knew the theme of my project for a long time...
Inspired by this image from the Japanese animation movie Spirits of the Past.

still from: Origin, Spirits of the Past. Keiichi Sugiyama (Director) 

Although I tried to so something with this image initially through the form of a tapestry.

And... in all honesty - cocoons, pods, eggs, boxes... have appeared in my work for as long as have made Artist Dolls. (See link below to my galleries if you like to see them).

Anyway.
A pod
A cocoon
and a figure emerging from it
exploring my garden.

a little footnote
Over the years my creative work seems to go hand in hand with what is going on in my life. But I only became aware of these 'coincidences' much later. Sometimes months or even years.

So.
In July (I think) I bought an animation armature.
Sounds grand, but it really is a bag full of tiny, tiny, nuts and bolds, and rods, and screws, and wire, and a drawing on how to put these bits into a a figure.

Fun. Frustrating. Painful (literarly). But in the end I did have a little 'being'

I found some small eyes and put this in a piece of clay. The base for the head.

This is the way 'she' sat there for months and months, while I researched on how to make hands, that can move; what material to use, how can I make a face that shows expression... Animation/claymation is mind blowing stuff really. But interesting to explore a completely new territory.

The first cocoon I made out of paper mache, but as I wanted to be out in the garden, it had to be made out of real clay. This method brings its challenges. 

Real clay (versus air drying clay) shrinks a lot during drying and can not that easily be added on to when dry. And my studio days can be few and far between. But in the end, I did end up with a pod. And to my surprise and delight, it did not crack at all, at all, during the firing.

unfinished cocoon

The idea is that this little being would emerge from the pod/cocoon and walk through my garden.

But when I thought about it a bit more, it felt kind of lonely.

So I bought another armature. A slightly different one. 

Two, to dance together through life.

'She' turned out to be a little bigger. Somehow a little bolder.

I brought both with me to my retreat at Dzoghen Beara in February.

In the past the work that came from my hands and mind in Room 4 had a kind of wisdom in it. The location, the peace, my thoughts all making their way into my creations (Think 'Into the Light' book, and my Wisdom sculpture).

at Dzogchen Beara

I worked on the little one first. Shaping the body and working on her face.

It took me a few day, and what emerged was a kind of wise, quiet, knowing expression. 

A kind of purity - according to John Doughlas.

John Doughlas

The last day I got to know the other little being.
She turned out to be much 'bolder'. Stronger. 'Out there'. Not really caring what anyone thought of her.

John, the wonderful spiritual care staff at Dzogchen Beara whom I have chatted with every single time I was at this beautiful place. He is wise. Very wise. Just before I headed home he explored the week's thoughts with me. And we ended up talking through these two little figures. Talking about where I am at in my life... I am ready to speak up... but bring the wisdom of illness with me.

Ready to dance. The dance of acceptance. The two figures representing both side of me.

"She can only dance when she remembers the connection of the pure one"

dance of life- who is pulling the strings

John wondered that maybe the pure one is pulling the 'strings' of the bolder one.

The pure one having a kind of presence, but not really engaging with her surroundings. 

She can retreat back into her cocoon. 

Together they can dance with joy. And hold on to the inner contentment.

Much later, at home again,  I finally go to work on the cocoon.

resting

I went into the studio to paint it, but ended up using the beautiful papery layers of a wasp's nest.

And over the past few weeks, I have worked a few times on the hands and feet, and boots. Using Silicone. Again a process of trial and (many) errors. But am getting there.

adding silicone on to make hands

On one of the sunny days last week, I chose the location in my garden where the cocoon will be filmed. (how that will happen I don't yet know...)

cocoon in my garden

But then, I received the sad, sad news that my dear friend Gert Roos had passed away after a long illness. A brave man. A friend for 33 years. Gert encouraged me in my journey through life and illness. Encouraged my creative path. (I will write a proper post over the next few days about this beautiful human being).

The sadness of no longer being able to share our worlds took a great deal of my thoughts and energy.

Yet, Somehow I felt this great need to go into my studio. I found I was able to work on the little figure. I gave it hair. I started with the clothing. I felt at ease.

I truly believe that Gert was there with me. Guiding me to keep going. 

To step out of that cocoon, and dance with life.

I have been in my studio every day for the past few days. And will go there again today.

Over the past few months, we communicated via what's app. Sending short messages, memories and photos. I forwarded images and a short film of the cocoon opening to him. The word that came back most times was "Prachtig". Which does not have a direct translation in English, but are a mix between: lovely, gorgeous, stunning, wonderful...

Thank you my dear friend.

Much love to you and all.

Further reading and links

• first images of animation project
• The Dance of Illness
• A drawing by Artist Spark Deeley of the way I sleep
• Fantasy Folk and early ME-related art  and more recent sculptures