Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Shadows in the snow

First of all, a warm welcome to my new friends/followers on this Little Wings Blog

It's cold today. Bitterly cold. But as it just started to snow again, it makes for an almost perfect world... (as long as I stay here in my study where the radiator is sending out warm hugs around my legs.) The sky full of snow is blocking out the view of the mountain. The view nearby makes up for it: birds are frequenting my garden.

On Sunday- on our way back from the Christmas Market, the sky was a clear beautiful shade of blue- almost turquoise. The mountain had streaks of snow on it. Seeing this view alone made it worthwhile to have gone to the market.

Sunday morning I went out to take some photos of my snowy surroundings. Once again I am enthralled by the shadows that were created. Distortion and clarity at the same time.

Shadows is also the theme of my current writing, which I hope to share with you someday.
"Shadows of an Invisible Octopus"
What I love most about writing is that even when I have a very clear idea about what I am going to write, the minute my fingers hit the keyboard, or my pen's ink flows over the paper, the story makes an unexpected detour. Unexpected and yet it makes perfect sense.

The story started out as Noa's fictional autobiography- I suppose the fictional element gave me the freedom to 'play with words'. But as shadows were seeking more and more of my attention, I ended up rewriting the part that I had written. The story is now semi-autobiographical with lots of fiction in between the lines.

In the second part of the book, the shadow is revealing it's identity. Yesterday the shadow hooked up with a character who called himself 'Malious the Great'. Shortly after they met, they became rivals. I was utterly surprised and yet it makes sense. My life with and without M.E. made more sense. Distortion and clarity at the same time.

I look forward to more revelations, so will let my fingers play on the keyboard later on!

First... have to rescue hot chili peppers from my now not so warm greenhouse...

If you like this theme, you might be interested in this post shadows

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Are you SURE?

Yesterday I received a comment from Sue to a post on Facebook,
.'..I don't need to nag you about not overdoing it do I???!!! '
'I echo Sue's nagging . We have to take care of each other... '(Di)
This was echoed by more people today

This morning I woke up with Sue's "nagging" beating in my head.
They are right. Of course.
It is important not to overdo it, especially when energy is at a premium.

The "nag" brought me back to my early years with M.E., and to the arrival of my first computer.
At the time, I could only be on the computer for about 20 minutes a day. Sometimes impatient to see if anyone had responded to an email (esp when I put an add on a dating site... that's a different story all together...) I had to stop myself from turning the computer on for a second time that day.
To stop myself I hang a note on the screen:
It worked!

I did stop and think about what I was about to do.

I made more of these notes.
One was stuck on the mirror in the hall. I would see it many times a day and especially when I had the absolute need to escape the house. I had to be SURE that I really had sufficient energy to put on my coat- shoes etc. and that I after that could walk a few minutes outside.
( All the effort to get dressed rarely made for a satisfactory outcome, as of course I wanted to go further than the corner. I wanted to escape. Escape M.E. Escape me.... )

So I had to be sure, and had to stop and think if my intended action was needed, if it would be a good use of energy- could 'it' be done by someone else, can 'it' wait, what is the alternative, etc etc.

Having just 'recovered' from my recent bad spell, I have to ask these questions again.
Is it absolutely vital that I make more Christmas cards for the Market tomorrow.
No it isn't.
Is going to the market needed?
Questionable- but I do know that I meet up with friends from a part of my life when I used to organise these kind of fairs. It is good to have contact with that part of my life, even if it is only once a year. If it is that important, I need to calculate a day of rest before and after the event. I will put the plan in action.
So, yes, I am sure that going to the market is a good use of energy.

For other more immediate questions, I have my trusted timer. I bring it with me. Like in the picture I brought it into the greenhouse. Now it is ticking away on my desk. I have 5 minutes left on the clock, so better finish this blog.

Ps Of course, The Are you SURE note is not just for people with M.E. It is also valuable for people who have their feet in the 'real' world. Are you sure that they need to do overtime? Are you sure you need that new coat? Are you sure you need to change your car? Are you sure you have to go out to the pub? Are you sure that you don't have time to chat with your kids...

See you soon my friends!

And last but not least- thank you again my friends for your company and support!!!
I mean that!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Return of the blog: editiovultus phobia

Morning to you all.

I've decided to make my slow return to the world of blogging, after an almost complete absence from cyberspace for nearly two weeks. My double life caught up with me during the last month, I had to take a break.

During the break- with was accompanied by extreme exhaustion and pain- I have been thinking - as one does when not busy. Thinking friends- friends I can see in the flesh- friends I mainly talk to one the phone, as they live in other countries- and friends I made on Facebook and here through my blog.

Why is it that when one makes friends on Facebook, one feels almost compelled to let them now why I will be 'going into a cave for a while'. Many of my 'flesh' & 'phone' friends don't know I have been unwell and that I have been in 'hiding'. I don't communicate with them every day.

Yet the fact that I DID communicate with my Facebook friends, with YOU, brought me lots of support during my time of recovery. I would like to thank you all for this. Your messages appeared in my email-box and, especially during the first few days, brought me to tears. Tears about worsening symptoms, but mainly tears of gratitude for such amazing supports in a few words and images. Again, thank you!

But, there is a but. When I did click on one of the messages in my email-box, my body/mind seems to be going into 'fear' mode. While the box came up asking for my password, I felt my body stiffening- I experienced a fear of being faced by so much information all together on the one page. I couldn't deal with, and still have difficulties with- an overload of information. Energy is a precious commodity.

But the longer I stayed away - the more there was to catch up with- so many friends. (But is this real? I communicate with my 'flesh' & 'phone' friends every so often and we'd fill in on each other's news. Facebook is such a different form of contact - isn't it?) My fear that I would feel worse again after being on Facebook was real, I wanting to save my energy for recovery and writing.
What I decided on, was to say a quick thank you and leave.

Does this 'fear' make sense? I found a word for it- Editiovultus phobia (derived from the Latin words meaning "face" and "book" see uncyclopedia Editiovultus phobia)

I felt the responsible to keep up with others. Yet I miss being in contact with the friends I made. You know who I mean. Those Facebook friends whom I count as my real friends now. Friends that I might never see in the flesh- unfortunatally- but who are very important to me. I think about you, wonder how you are doing, and feel that I am not a good friend if I don't respond to your messages. I know you understand- many of you probably feel the same as many of you are also living with M.E.

That brings me to my other facebook-related-fear, my Editiovultus phobia. Talking about M.E.
Being friends with people who deal with the same illness as me, can be such a relief, as you understand what I am going through- as I understand you. Yet- now I am faced with worsening of symptoms again- all I want is to get away from reading about M.E. and get on with my life. M.E. is in my life- but I like to think that M.E is not my life. - If you know what I mean... This does not mean I want to stop having contact with you! Love you too much for who you are!

As far as I can make out, some of you on Facebook have come to the same conclusion and have started another page where the illness can be discussed. Good on you! For now, I am not ready to face that page until I have regained my 'balance' again.

So, where will I go from here?
Today I think that I will continue with writing a blog when I feel like it.
Maybe you- my facebook and twitter followers who visit this blog on a regular basis, might sign up to the "Follow button", and in this way, you can read my musings, and we can stay in touch.
I find the Blog less overwhelming than Facebook right now. It is one page and the comments left by you are easier to answer. I love reading your comments here!

In terms of Facebook- I might pop by every few days for a quick look, but for now I will keep my time there limited. Maybe in weekends, when I don't seem to do much writing- is a good time to catch up with you there. You are all in my heart! And don't want to loose contact!

Thank you all for your support and understanding, and I hope that you are as well as can be. Wishing you all a lovely Sunday!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Day 62: back to the cave

I don't think I am regarded as a pessimist... yet right now I am wondering if I should stop counting my 'days of musings' - and just write when I feel like it, yet the count helped me to see how far I got, and I enjoy sharing my daily thoughts with you.

I reached day 62, with a few hick ups along the way, but I was on a roll. A roll down a slippery path perhaps? Or maybe I slid down a frosty path this morning...

In any case, I sign defeat of M.E. Again. For now.
I will rest and come back stronger.
That is usually the way.

Pain and exhaustion has been building for weeks, but I had 'things to do', 'people to meet', in real life and meeting up with my dear Facebook palls. I learn from them, I laugh and cry with them.
To regain my stamina and get back to my social life, I will hide in my cave for a little while, and there I'll decide how to go further.

Maybe being on Facebook, and writing a daily blog, and working on a story, on top of life, might have been too much.
All I know is that I am in a lot of pain, and am sad because of it. Defeated. Exhausted.

Talking to my GP I said, "If anyone tell me that 'it' (M.E.) is all in my head, I'll tell them that what really is in my head, is the story I long to write- but can't."
Thank god she believes M.E. and Fibro are very real illnesses. She knows me.

Be good my friends, I'll catch up with you soon.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Day 60+61: I can work in the shop in my pj's!

Today is a day to work in my shop...
My web- shop that is
So can actually sit here in my payama's
and nobody will take any notice!

Of course, I hope you will take notice
of the books and cards on offer
in my Shop

Or maybe posters, made to order,
with your own choice of design
taken from my books.

Or... a sculpture?

All with free worldwide delivery

Here a few samples
(click on the red underlined words, for direct links)
One copy of the Cirrus Chronicles
and 8 greeting cards/ envelopes

Or what about Robert...
"I swear I didn't kill the Elf"

A personalised signed copy of both
Hatched and the Cirrus Chronicles

to name but a few items
in my Little Wings Shop !

I look forward to have your company.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Day Fifty-8+9: Time for a treat!

It's Sunday and the sun is shining.
A good day for a treat!
Yummy Sugar & Wheat free Muffins -

(for those of you who do like sugar, see amounts in brackets in italics)

It only takes about 10 minutes of preparation time, and 20 minutes of baking.
Eat hot!

1 and 1/2 cup oat flakes ( wholemeal wheat flour)
1 cup rye flour (white flour)
1 teasp. baking powder
1 teasp. baking soda
1/2 teasp salt
1 cup soya milk (buttermilk- omit the lemon juice)
squeeze of lemon
1/3 cup sunflower oil
1/2 teasp. vanilla essence
1 egg
1 generous tablespoon apple concentrate or rice syrup (2/3 cup sugar)
fruit of choice: for example
  • 1 apple and one pear
  • 1 apple and handful of raisins
  • 1 apple and handful of blueberries (this is the one I made today)
Mix all the dry ingredients together
Mix in the fruit so all is coated with the flour mixture

Mix wet ingredients and stir into dry mixture
Put the quite wet dough in cupcake casings, makes about 12 big muffins, or 16 smaller ones.

Bake in oven gas 7, 225 C for 20 minutes

Then EAT! :-)

Friday, November 5, 2010

Day Fifty-seven: Word Play

Last night I was the facilitator at the monthly writers group.
Energy was low, pain was high. A day of rest and a few doses of painkillers made it possible to go.

So glad I made it, as this monthly gathering is high on my agenda.
The sharing of words, stories, poems, and written plays are wonderful.

To get us started I had brought a box of 'magnetic fridge poetry words'.
I asked everyone to take handful of them out of the box and try to create a sentence or quote from them.

Here are a few results:
  • his cheery cherry tempest won't splash but shall float
  • maybe my gentle splendid nephew slumber
  • absent harmony can ignite corrupt idol- an interrupted fortress in manic melody - marry you?- our loveless hideous eclipse
  • milky silent raindrops can cloak a swirling sultry malice
  • did sleek cat who consume deluge cream flatter my faint golden sunburst
  • smoke-river-tumbling- around together
  • flower-pear-his-delight
  • spirit-cloud-I
  • ignore desire and we have spring orange colour (this was my draw from the box
After this funny start we read our stories with as topic the first memory of books, or writing. As always, we were treated to some wonderful. See apples and books for a version of my own story.

The night ended with a read-through of a historical play in the making.

A big thank you my fellow writers for a wonderful night of words.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Day Fifty-six: End of the Rainbow

How thoughts can chance in a second...

Nurturing my tired body in the bath, I was thinking about today's blog. About how I've met The Bull (M.E.) again and the need to rethink how 'we' can continue our walk to the fence of recovery, and about the recent blog/facebook discussion for the need to highlight M.E....

But post had arrived and there was a letter for me.
My blog-subject changed the very second I opened the letter.

Let me start from the start.

The town of Lismore has a weekly Alphabet Lotto to raise funds for community projects, like the creation of the Millennium Park, and the setting up of the Farmers Market, to name but a few.
When I am in the Credit Union, I buy a ticket. My four letters are (in alphabetical order) I.N.O.W. which if you play with the position of the letters would read I WON. I always thought this to be a brilliant headline in the paper: Corina Duyn predicted a win in the Mochuda Lotto, with the letters I WON.

Last Tuesday I was convinced I was going to get that phone call with the wonderful news of being the winner.
I sat in my study, and had brought the phone with me, just in case...
The phone rang.
The caller i.d. showed a local number.
It was a friend, who's number I had not yet stored in my phone's memory.

Yesterday I was in the Credit Union. I bought a ticket for next weeks draw and told them the story. Oh well, maybe next time.

The letter I received today had a cheque in it.
No, not for the jackpot, but one for the €15 consolation price.

I am still laughing!

The power of positive thoughts!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Day Fifty-five: Whirlwinds

This morning
I found myself
amidst a whirlwind
of colourful
autumn leaves.

This afternoon
a whirlwind
of words
were fighting
to exit
my head.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Day Fifty-four: The last of those glorious autumn days?

I can only hope that there will be many more days
where one is greeted by this beautiful autumn display.
I leave the rest of this blog speak for itself.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Day Fifty-three: something growing in my greenhouse

I walked into my greenhouse
polytunnel to be precise
and from the corner of my eye
I saw something moving

Lying in a seed tray

Or just having found
a new place
to take in
the ever dwindling heat?