Monday, February 6, 2017

Are you Sure?

I forgot to ask myself the "Are you sure?" Question...

Saturday, two full days after traveling to Dzogchen Beara, I started to feel a little more human again. Able to sit up and not be totally exhausted. Able to have a chat with fellow guests and not feel as if my brain splits in two. Able to edit the post about Cecile and our connection to room 4.
Excited. Over confident. So I decided to go for a walk.
The walk I had been thinking about for weeks...

A few months ago I started to build up my walking again. Since that time I go for my walk a few times a week. Every week I go 'one tree further' along the path leading from my house. Time wise that is now almost ten minutes in total.

At home I prepare for my post-walk-rest period in advance. Have a cup of tea ready by the couch. And a snack. The remote for the tv, or my iPad for a guided meditation. I have the heating on, or the fire lighting. The phone near me. All in preparation to be able for a full hour's rest after my expedition. To not have to get up.

Saturday  I wanted to walk as the earlier rain had ceased and it turned into a beautiful afternoon. And the views are  simply stunning here.

As I don't know how even or uneven the path in front of the Care-centre is, I was wise enough to ask for a companion. Rhonda, the care staff assigned to me for the week, gladly came with me.

I was so proud to walk.
To be part of this glorious scenery on foot. Not on wheels.
Rhonda took some photos as evidence that I walked.
It proved too much to walk and talk, even the few words that I did say.
Throughout the few minutes walk I was completely out of breath. Unexpected yawns happened, seemingly to replenishing the lack of oxygen.
I sat down at what I decided was my halfway point. Nowhere near my five minute mark.

Back in my room I settled on the bed. Legs elevated on cushions. I had to ask for support to have all I needed on or near my bed. Snacks. Water. Book. Glasses. Phone. Pen. Notebook. Pain medication.

Lying on my bed I must admit that sudden tears came.
I was so proud to have walked.
But I was in so much pain.
The realty of my ill body hit me in the face.

Reality checks are painful at times.

When able, I wrote a few words in my journal.

  • It was good to walk.
  • But need to prepare better.
  • A new location requires different set of rules.
  • Well done for having asked for support. Asking for help still does not come easy.
  • Walk earlier in the afternoon, so it does not affect my ability to go to the kitchen around 'tea-time'.
  • Don't walk and talk at the same time.
  • Think before going out.
  • Ask myself the  'are you sure?' Question.

I spend the remainder of the evening on the bed. Got up to make a cup of tea about 7pm, and have a piece of bread. I  was unable to communicate with fellow guests. I could not follow any conversation. I went to bed at half past 7.

Reality can be so challenging. It turns up in unexpected places. But I am still proud of having walked in this glorious place. Aware of fine tuning requirements, but proud I did ask for help.

I did not have a great night sleep.
Too tired. In too much pain.
I read during the night. Listened to 'sleeping-meditations'. Took more pain relief.

This morning I was able for a restorative shower. Visualising the pain washing out of my body and going down the drain.
I took more pain relief. This take the edge of pain out of the body. But it was the Meditation that helped me most.

Through breathing, I follow the 'poisonous' pain flowing through my body (instead of blood?), and make it settle into a more calm flow. Where possible I let it flow out of my body. I focus on all the individual parts that are causing me grief. Astonished that pain can arise in my hair, in the small spaces where toes meet my feet, or fingers meet my palms. That one spot at the left of the top of my spine...

My breath is a detective, and healer.

After the 45 minute session I felt better.
And am grateful for this time out.

I will try to remember the "are you sure" question the next time a sudden urge to walk comes into my head.

Links and further reading:

  • Please see posts from the previous few days about my stay at Dzogchen Beara Care Centre.
  • First Walk

Best wishes to you.

Be proud, and realistic...

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